If I Could, I'd Be...
This Week: Meet my hero. Reading and Miscomprehension. Where's Doll? Toad Update. Happy Snaps!
My Hero!
Touching on last weeks’ chat about envy, I’ve been asking people who they envy, or, who they’d like to be, or be like.
The responses have been honest, inspiring and interesting. I tell ya, I get to hang out with some great people each day!
The answer to ‘Who Do I Envy?’ is a simple one.
Bill Bryson (Note: the adjudicators would also have accepted Billy Connolly)
I like Bill. Nice fella. Never met him. Tried to. Saw him live. Wrote to him, never got a reply. Bought his books. Watched his movie.
He’d be a hoot to have a feed and a couple of beers with before parting ways and heading home with a book he’d recommended.
Of course, I don’t want to be him. Just… like him.
Unfortunately, the gap between where he is and where I’m currently sitting is, formidable. Not impossible, but I’m leaving my run a bit late.
Having said that. I still write most days, not for an audience of millions, but a small and, I’m delighted to add, a very appreciative group of readers; yes, I’m talking about…
You!
And, like Bill, I get to potter around and scribble about the places and people I/we meet. I can think of worse ways to spend the few hours we’re given here on Planet Earth.
And, better yet, there’s some things Bill can’t do that I can:
Play guitar
Sing
Ride a motorbike (and live)
Hang out with Doll
Boot my grandchildren around the yard without being arrested
Part my hair without my scalp showing (ok, that’s very petty but, yes, I am going to grasp that straw to pad out my sad little list!)
Finally, I also have some other heroes (again, Billy Connolly) but another springs to mind, having just finished his biography (semi-auto), Kenny Rogers.
I don’t think I would have liked parts of his life (yeah, 4 ex-wives is a tad extravagant), but it’s fun pretending to be him on a part-time basis (minus the crippling alimony payments).
So, your turn, who do you envy? And can I help you bridge the gap?
Speaking of which…
Reading and (mis)Comprehension
Another ‘thing’ biting the dust in this modern age
Folks, back in 1982 I started Year 11. According to our English teacher, we were now in the big leagues and wouldn’t be ‘spoon fed’ anymore. Of course, the canings would go on.
On day one, we were told to open William Goldings’ ‘Lord of the Flies’. The first chapter starts on a remote island with a couple of kids, walking onto a beach away from a plane crash, and one of them winces in pain:
He took off his glasses and held them out to Ralph, blinking and smiling, and then started to wipe them against his grubby windbreaker. An expression of pain and inward concentration altered the pale contours of his face. He smeared the sweat from his cheeks and quickly adjusted the spectacles on his nose. “Them fruit.” He glanced round the scar. “Them fruit,” he said, “I expect―”
Our teacher then asked, “What did the author mean by ‘them fruit’?”
None of us had a clue. And I didn’t particularly care as I was already three pages ahead of the pack and accelerating.
As the silence continued, the temperature of the room dropped.
“It’s one thing to read a passage, it’s another thing to interpret it!” the teacher yelled. “NOW, what does that passage mean?!”
I quickly re-read it and came to the conclusion, ‘??’
Slamming the book onto her desk she cried, “He’s got the runs! The fruit has given him the runs! You’re giving me the runs! I am NOT going to explain every little thing to you lot! You’re practically adults! Start thinking!”
Boy, I bet they don’t get that level of passionate teaching these days…
Anyway, I mention all this because a few weeks ago I posted the following on Facebook:
Well, some folk dropped off, others who should have said, ‘screwitty to you and byesy bye!’ stayed and several people agreed with my post.
Life went on, but with a lot less ranty pro-Trump, Hanson, Babet and Canavan posts.
Happy Days!
Then I learned some people, one of them a migrant, unfollowed me because of my - stand against immigration.
WT actual F?!
Astonished, I re-read my post and came to this conclusion -
“It doesn’t matter what you post on Fartbook, people will misinterpret it, twist it, get offended by it (even compliments), think you’re being sarcastic or totally miss the joke.”
Because we mindlessly flick through stuff to get to other stuff, we’re no longer comprehending most stuff.
If my old teacher isn’t currently standing in front of ‘The Great Blackboard in the Sky’, then she’s probably having daily aneurisms reading stuff online.
No wonder I rarely visit news or social media sites nowadays, I tell ya, ‘Them fruits!’
Where’s Doll?
This weekend we’ve got a whole two days off! But don’t tell anyone, ‘cause we got plans…
Toad Update
Still no toads, (although Doll did point out a very flattened one on the road while we were strolling this week) but we were thrilled to spy a frog in our gutter!
It poked its’ head out when we, like millions of gawpers staggered outside to stare at Tuesdays, ‘BIG MOON’.
Honestly, I got more of a kick from seeing the frog than the lunar event.
Still, things are looking up!
Fake Noos!
Please, trust me, the following really, truly is fake:
Trump peace deal brokered in the Middle East! (Actually, that’s not fake news, but we’ll see if Israel adheres to the plan in the coming week):
Israels’ Primed Minister, Bubbi ‘the Baby Bomber’ Notonyahoo, has been given a new role in the US Dept. of War (formerly the Dept. of Defence) heading the newly named Attack Farce!™ being sent into American cities; notably, low crime Democrat controlled towns to arrest brown-skinned civilians for… being alive I guess?
Bubbi immediately initiated airstrikes on US schools, hospitals, daycare centres and orphanages over Portland, Chicago and LA to quell Antifa (Anti-Fascist) riots that potential future terrorists were planning to attend in 20 years’ time.
More to come…
Meanwhile in some alternate universe, things are going fantastical, amaze-balls, bigly, huuuge!
Quote of the Week
When a mate's teenager was told there was plenty of food in the pantry and fridge, he took a quick look then said:
That's not food! It's ingredients!
Happy Snaps
Agnes Waters really turned it on this week:
Found out who’s been stealing our cutlery!
My Granddaughter really likes Nell’s sushi:
Stolen from Substack
A reader in a Venice library ignores the rising damp… must be a good book!
1981 Cyndi Lauper meets Dolly (I don’t think Dolly is used to people staring at her eyes?):
Hey, Ta for dropping by! Let’s do it all again next week ;)
Cheers,
Greg
