Thistle Do! December Week 2, 2023
The Local Election Special - So ya wanna be a Town Councillor? For the Love of Buddha! Why?! And some Happy Snaps...
So, You Want to Be a Councillor?
No you don’t.
Next year (16 March to be precise) we, the drooling masses, will be going to the polls to elect, or re-elect, a Mayor and a bunch of councillors.
The excitement is reaching fever pitch…
And, some of you may be toying with the idea of running for office.
‘Good for you!’ I say.
Anyone wanting to improve our community, and knows how to do it with a minimum of screaming and fuss, should be encouraged to step up for public office.
But only if you realise what you’re getting yourself into.
The State Government has some handy info including a mandatory online course .
To do the course, you’ll have to access it via the State Government Portal.
Good luck with that!
If you don’t have an account in The Portal, this will be your first exposure into how frustrating your life is about to become.
Honestly, if I ever get elected into public office my first order of business will be to have whoever designed The Portal publicly arse-kicked.
Anyway, if you manage to get into The Portal, without having a breakdown or a stroke, and remain undeterred from pushing on as a potential candidate, then I have the following advice for you.
Note: I’ve never been a councillor and probably never will be a councillor, but, as someone who worked in council I have a fairly solid understanding of how council works and, more importantly, how it doesn’t.
I could write a book on the subject…
Anyhow, the first thing you need to know is:
1. Rotary Is The Key
Most of our Mayors and councillors have traditionally come up through the ranks of one Gladstone’s many Rotary clubs.
This isn’t a bad thing.
Rotary clubs are usually stocked with good, highly motivated, energetic, kind and politely ruthless people who are keen enough to give up large chunks of their spare time (and spare change) to help others in our community and abroad.
For which I give them a Greg Bray 4 Thumbs Up, a Hearty ‘Hey Ho!’ and a clap on the back.
Note: There was a time, in the not so distant past, when it was very hard to become a Rotarian (and even harder to be a Mason). Not so now (hell, the Mason’s are so desperate they’ll take anyone who can walk upright and breathe at the same time as long as they’re prepared to wear a dinner suit once a month!)
Anyway, if you’re not in a Rotary club, then you should consider joining one. It won’t hurt, AND, you’ll learn how to cook a sausage, and make a burger, to perfection.
Secondly, Potential New Councillor, and this is the important bit:
2. You Can’t Change Anything
Actually, that’s not true, you can, but it’s a bit like elephants mating… if you know what I mean?
If you don’t, here’s a clue:
You see, the democratic system is perfectly caged by the authoritarian public service system, made of up career bureaucrats employed to stop people like you wanting to make changes.
So, for example, if you’re running on the platform of lowering rates and fees, you will be stopped dead by the full force of the councils’ executive team.
These people depend on pay rises and their departmental budgets going up each year. This means more money has to be found from somewhere, and any crumbs of cash, not torn from the iron grip of the State Government, is usually raised by rates and fees.
So, before you decide to gallop down the very well-worn, and extremely popular, ‘If Elected, I’ll Lower Your Rates!’ path, just ask any of the current councillors who were voted in to do just that how it’s worked out for them.
I think the results of recent rates gouges speaks volumes…
Note: and don’t get me started on the eyeball popping, outrageous, and quite ludicrous, fee hikes in recent years… actually, you can get me started, but stand well back. Further back! Keep going!
Last, and by no means least, be prepared to:
Deal With The Public
This might sound like a no-brainer, but a lot of candidates are surprised (actually shocked and stunned) when they meet ‘The Public’.
I think the great, modern philosopher George Carlin summed it up best:
The Public is an interesting thing. But you won’t hear from most of them/us.
As a new councillor, you will spend most of your time dealing with the same serial whiners (especially about rates and potholes), various village idiots, a lot of one trick ponies (e.g.: people with a burning passion for some vague hobby horse nobody cares a damn about e.g. demanding council stop fly fishing in local ponds as it hurts the fishes mouths) and some astonishingly angry/cynical people, most of whom will want to call you at odd times of day and night to give you ‘advice’.
You will also be:
Told how to do your job better by people who wouldn’t raise a finger to help themselves if they were on fire.
Routinely accused of being any (or all) of the following: a deviant, crook, malingerer, corrupt, dropkick, lazy, a liar, moron, bad dresser, etc.
Forced to explain, ad nauseum, to spittle flecked keyboard warriors on social media how the things they’re demanding YOU fix is actually the State, or Federal, Governments responsibility, and finally,
Get routinely made fun of by smart alecks like me. (Hey, being Court Jester is a job I take very seriously!)
You will also have to:
Read a lot of dull policy documents and be expected to remember them, add to, or remove sections, or why you voted for or against the changes.
Eat your bodyweight in sandwiches.
Smile every time someone shoves a finger in face and says, “I voted for you, so you’d better help me!” (Firmly resist the urge to grip, then break, the offending digit, as this sort of thing can be bad for your chances of re-election).
Deal with public servants who think of you as a necessary impediment to them running the show.
Get over not being allowed to talk to actual council workers to get their view, advice or insights on how Council could be run better. The senior public servants have legislated this policy, as they don’t want their minions being harassed by you to do actual work, or possibly letting slip any examples of corruption being ignored, or enjoyed, by senior managers.
Deal with what’s left of the press and other media outlets.
Attend a variety of meetings usually chaired by two types of people -
those whose greatest regret in life was not being born into Hitlers’ Germany, or…
are serious contenders for the title of - The Dullest Human Being on Planet Earth.
On the plus side, you will get a nice car to cruise around the region in, a healthy salary, possibly some overseas trips, at least one well compensated seat on local and state committees run by ‘vested interests’ who will expect you to vote accordingly when something involving their business / corporation comes up.
There’s a more… oh, so much more, but if you’re not put off by any of the above, then I say, ‘Go for it little ratepayer!’
You might actually have the right stuff to tackle the job.
I just don’t want you going in unprepared, so this column is for you.
Actually, it’s mostly for me… I’m trying to talk myself out of nominating.
Happy Snaps!
This week, free stuff I found at the beach:
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Once again, a BIG THANKS to all the new followers who’ve joined up in the last month, and a HUGE SHOUTOUT to the wonderful people who parted with hard earned coin to be paid subscribers.
You legends make my heart sing with joy!
Thanks for dropping by!